101 Dirty Jokes | Dark Humor Jokes for friends

101 Dirty Jokes | Dark Humor Jokes for friends | Dirty Joke | Corny Jokes | Funny Adult Jokes

1.What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?

“I want you inside me.”

2.How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

3.”Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

4.Who’s the most popular guy at the nudi$t colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

5.What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

6.A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says,

“Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?”

The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”

7.How do you make a pool table laugh?

Tickle its balls.

8.Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

9.What did the clitoris say to the vulva?
“It’s all good in the hood!”

10.What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.

Dirty Joke, Dark Humor Jokes

11.A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti…
It says, “Damn, that was one hell of an orgy!”

12.A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.

The doctor walks in and says,

“I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says.

“Why?”

“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

13.Sex is like a burrito…
Don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.

14.My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex…
I said I haven’t looked.

15.What are the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in?

16.What’s the difference between a G-spot and a clitoris?
Men don’t care.

Photo by Gratisography from Pexels

17.What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this crap.

18.What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
“Beat it. We’re closed!”

19.Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife has passed away.

20.Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-shells!

Dark Humor Jokes

21.Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get seven years of bad luck!”
Cond0m: “Hahaha… (Cond0m walks off laughing)”

22.What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls?

A white Christmas!

23.What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off!

24.What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator!

25.What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

26.What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?

Papa Boner.

27.What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?
“It’s not what it looks like!”

28.How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking sh*t from someone.

29.How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

30.What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!

Dirty Jokes in English, Dark Humor Jokes

31.What did the banana say to the vibrator?
“Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!”

32.What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used c0nd0ms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

33.Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.

34.What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball.

35.The other day I was so frustrated I yelled out, “F*ck my life.”
The neighbor heard, “F*ck my wife.”

36.Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

37.What did the penis say to the vagina?
“Don’t make me cum in there!”

38.What did the woman say when her boyfriend cried after sex?
“I had you pegged for someone else.”

39.What’s the speed limit in bed?
It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.

40.What’s another name for a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dicks.

Best 101 Dirty Jokes

41.What did the banana tell the vibrator?
You’re the one shaking? I’m about to get eaten!

42.What did Adam say to Eve?
“Stand back. I don’t know how big this thing’s gonna grow.”

43.What does Popeye use as a lubricant?
Olive Oyl.

44.Why is Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.

45.What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s pu$$y instead.

46.What’s better than pansies on a piano?
Tulips on your organ!

47.Why is diarrhea hereditary?

It runs in your genes!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

48.What did the penis say to the condom?
“Cover me, I’m going in.”

49.An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.”

“You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied.

“Now you have to remove them.”

50.Why is winning the lottery like having sex with triplets?
With both, you can say you’ve had six identical balls.

Dirty Jokes

51.What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off!

52.What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

53.What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

54.My girlfriend told me she always smokes after sex.
I told her we should use some lube next time.

55.A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it.

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.

The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.

When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”

56.What’s the one difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew the lightbulb.

57.What did the leper say to the sex worker?

Keep the tip.

58.Why did Popeye punch the Pope?
He heard he went to Mount Olive.

59.What’s long, green, and smells like bacon?

Kermit The Frog’s fingers!

60.I just had sex in an elevator.
It was great on so many levels.

Corny Jokes and Dark Humor Jokes

61.Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?

A beaver dam!

62.A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest

. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says,

“Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”

The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

63.What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

64.What do you get when you screw a textbook?
A D in math.

65.We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

67.Everybody knows Eve wore a fig leaf. But what did Adam wear?
A hole in it!

68.What do bridge and sex have in common?
If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a really good hand!

69.How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

70.My wife says if 1,000 people upvote this joke, she’ll try anal right then and there.
So don’t vote until Tuesday. She’s on a business trip.

Best Dark Humor Jokes, Dirty Joke

71.Life is like a penis.
Often hard for no reason!

72.After a decade, the police are still in pursuit of the Viagra thief.
He’s just so hard to catch.

73.I tried phone sex once…
But the holes were too small.

74.Boyfriend: “Want a quickie?”
Girlfriend: “As opposed to what?”

74.Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

75.A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says,

“I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?”

The other guy says, “I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”

76.How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

77.My bae told me that sex is better on vacation.
It wasn’t the best postcard I’ve ever received.

78.How do you make your bae scream during sex?
Call and let them hear it.

79.What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
The sex drive.

80.What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
F*cking hot!

Best Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

81.Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

82.Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

83.A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell scrotum?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night — it was on the tip of my tongue.”

84.A husband is supposed to make his wife’s panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband’s dick hard, not his life.

85.Two sex workers were on a street corner.

86.Why is Santa’s sack is so big?
He only comes once a year!

87.They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said,

“Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.”

The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”

88.My friend met a male porn actor the other day.
She told me he was really cocky.

89.Let’s play carpenter.
First, we’ll get hammered. Then I’ll nail you.

90.That teabag was surprisingly better the second time around.

A pearl necklace would go well with that dress.

91.My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar.
I have to fill her slot instead.

92.It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle…
He just didn’t have the balls to do it.

93.I got mad at my bae for pulling out.
I told him it was a dick move.

94.A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp.
The police are looking into it.

95.Sex on TV can’t hurt…
Unless you fall off.

Disney Dirty Jokes

96.Why was Anger so furious?
Because Sadness touched one of his balls.

97.How did Mickey feel when he first saw Minnie?
It was glove at first sight.

98.Why was Tigger in the bathroom for so long?
Because he had Pooh stuck inside him.

99.What is Mickey’s favorite treat?
Minnie Mice cream.

100.What are Muppets puppeteers really good at?
Hand jobs.

101.Did you hear how Captain Hook died?
Jock Itch!